Road Trip to Mordor
by the Random Oliphaunt
Summary: 'One does not simply walk into Mordor' he said… so they didn't. PARODY featuring the great Cookies of Power, jazz-loving Nazgul, Mary-Sues, sentient motorbikes, an angry Glaswegian woman and general insanity.
1. Random prologue-y bit

**Road Trip to Mordor**

**A/N 1: This was originally inspired by a one-shot called "Whose Idea Was This?" by AraAlexisBlack, in which the Fellowship drove to Mordor. I kind of expanded on this, and added some more weirdness and insanity. Actually, a LOT more weirdness and insanity. This probably wouldn't be recommended for more hardcore Tolkienites. Just **_**wait**_** till you see what I've done to Saruman… *****laughs evilly*****  
A/N 2: There will be some swearing in this; not a huge amount, but some. Mostly from Gandalf.  
A/N 3: Despite whatever you may think after reading this story, I do not actually hate LOTR; in fact, I like it very much. Which is why I have painstakingly and relentlessly mocked every aspect of it that I could.  
Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to the works of Professor Tolkien. I also don't own any of the films, books, TV series, songs, games or brands that are mentioned/quoted/referenced in this fic. This applies to all chapters.**

The Fellowship of the Oreo

_Imagine for a moment that the conspiracy theories are true, and that there are countless parallel universes, an infinite number of realities happening at the same time, but all slightly differently. In one middle earth, the Quest proceeds as normal – Frodo destroys the Ring, Aragorn becomes king, Boromir gives his life to save the hobbits and Legolas wins Captain Obvious of the Year award. Sound familiar, no? But in another middle earth, Bilbo sleeps in a few extra minutes and never quite catches up with the dwarves, and Frodo never inherits the One Ring. In countless alternate universes, curvaceous ellyth join the Fellowship, battle orcs and win the heart of every male from Imladris to Barad-Dûr, all without even breaking a nail.  
And in one universe, tucked somewhere far at the edge of reality, _this_ happens..._

'_I amar prestar aen. _The world is changed. _Han mathon ne nen. _I feel it in the water... _Han mathon ne chae._ I feel it in the earth... _A han noston ned gwilith._ I smell it in the air. It smells like nail-polish remover and raspberries.  
'Much that once was is now lost, for none now live who remember it.'  
'I remember it...' a timid voice piped up. The Lady Galadriel, roused from her introspections, turned to the interrupter in irritation. 'Shut up, Celeborn! Now, where was I...? Oh yes. It began with the baking of the Great Cookies. Three chocolate hobnobs for the Elves, 'cause we're smexy and awesome and immortal. Seven digestives for the Dwarf Lords, in return for the kindness they showed Snow White. And nine, nine Jaffa cakes were gifted to the race of men, who above all else desire power. And flashy sports cars. But mostly power.  
'For within these cookies was baked the strength and will to govern each race – but they were all of them deceived. In the Hotel Mordor, in the Oven of Doom, Sauron baked a master cookie – One Oreo To Rule Them All. Into it he baked his malice, his cruelty, and his will to dominate all life.'  
'I like oreos!' Celeborn said excitedly. Galadriel massaged her temples and wondered if it was possible to strangle an Elf with their own hair. _Probably, _she decided.  
'One by one the free lands of middle earth fell to the power of the Oreo... but there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the forces of Mordor Hotel, and in the lobby of the hotel they fought for the freedom of middle earth. Victory was near. But the power of the Oreo would not be undone.'  
'PRECIOUS!' Galadriel turned, startled, to see Celeborn caressing a spoon.  
'Celeborn, you are _ruining_ my dramatic monologue,' Galadriel said severely.  
'Sorry.'  
'_Anyway, _Isildur, son of the King, killed Sauron with a giant fork, and stole the Oreo,' Galadriel continued, trying to remember why she had married Celeborn. He was currently singing "staying alive" very loudly. It was most distracting. 'The-Oreo-betrayed-Isildur-and-some-things-that-sh ould-not-have-been-forgotton-were-lost.-History-be came-legend,-and-legend-became-myth,-for-two-and-a -half-thousand-years,' she gabbled quickly, before smacking Celeborn on the head and going to find some aspirin. A battered script fell out of the folds of her sleeve. Celeborn unfolded the paper and read, ' "The Oreo came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the Misty Mountains for 500 years, until it was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable: a hobbit. For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all."Interesting.' Celeborn carefully refolded the script. Then he ate it.

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Announcer voice: This chapter was brought to you by Epic Staff™. Epic Staff™ - the only staff brand that comes with voice-activated light *scene changes to Gandalf in Moria with lit-up staff* and lets you fight off creatures of evil while looking totally epic! *montage of Gandalf looking epic while holding his staff* Epic Staff™ - the only staff brand used by Istari! And don't forget, all of Epic Staff™'s Wizard Staffs With Knobs On The End are 50% off! Offer ends next Thursday.

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**Review please! Comments, constructive criticism and questions are welcome. Flames are not. Flames should only be used for destroying rings of power and making s'mores.**


	2. Time flies when you've got a TARDIS

_The Shire – 60 years later_

A young hobbit by the name of Frodo Baggins sat under a tree, reading _Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince,_ when he heard the faint sound of singing. The singing grew louder, and eventually words could be made out: 'Oh when I wake up, yeah I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you, and when I go out...'  
'Gandalf!' Frodo exclaimed, and went off to see the wizard.  
Gandalf was driving a very odd contraption down the road, and singing atrociously out of tune. 'And when the money, comes in for the work I do, yeah I'll pass almost every penny on to you...'  
'Gandalf!' Frodo cried again, and took a flying leap onto the vehicle.  
Unfortunately, he missed.  
Gandalf stopped driving (and thankfully, singing) and waiting as Frodo picked himself up off the ground. 'Gandalf, what on earth are you driving?' Frodo asked.  
'It's a quadricycle, my dear boy,' the wizard replied.  
'What's a quadricycle? I've never heard of it before.'  
'That's because I invented it!' Gandalf said proudly, as Frodo sat down in the passenger seat.  
'You've been labelled a disturber of the peace, Gandalf,' Frodo informed the wizard as they set off toward Bag End.  
'Really?'  
'Oh yes. The mayor has put a price on your head, in fact.'  
'Indeed.'  
'Don't worry; no-one's going to turn you in. They all love your fireworks too much.' The quadricycle pulled up outside Bag End, and Frodo managed to fall to one side and faceplant onto the ground.  
'I'b glad you're bag, Gaddalf,' he said indistinctly, holding his bleeding nose.

oOo

'Strangers from distant lands, friends of old... wait, wrong scene. Sorry,' Bilbo said, shuffling his scripts nervously. Fortunately, no-one noticed his slip-up, because no-one was paying any attention.  
'Ahem... I meant, one hundred and eleven years is far too short a time to spend among such admirable- oh, what's the point? No-one's listening, anyway...' He wandered away, back up to Bag End.  
Frodo, meanwhile, had just reached a new highscore on Angry Birds. He looked up, triumphant, only to see that Bilbo had MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED. He began to worry.  
'Oh no! Uncle Bilbo is gone! He could be hurt, or in trouble, or – hey, I just unlocked a new set of levels! Awesome!'  
Frodo returned to Bag End hours later, when his iPad ran out of power. He stopped in the doorway, seeing an oreo lying on the floor.  
'Has Bilbo gone?' He asked Gandalf, who was randomly sitting by the fire, muttering about a "precious".  
'Hmm? Oh yes, he left a few hours ago,' the wizard replied.  
'But he forgot his lucky cookie!'  
'No, he left it behind on purpose, after I scared him into it. It's yours now, along with Bag End. Now come with me, quickly!'  
'Huh? Gandalf, where are we going?'Frodo asked, as Gandalf strode towards a large blue box.  
'I'm going to send you 17 years into the future, to correlate with the book plot,' he explained.  
'But what about you, Gandalf?'  
'I'm off to Minas Tirith, to film a cool library montage. Now, go!' Gandalf shoved Frodo into the blue box.  
'It-it's bigger on the-' was all Frodo had time to say before he was sent 17 years into the future.

*insert TARDIS noises here*

Frodo stepped out of the box and pushed open the door of Bag End, only to be confronted by Gandalf.  
'Is it secret? Is it safe?'  
'What the hell are you talking about, Gandalf?'  
'The Oreo, you idiot.'  
'Oh. I have it right here, as a matter of fact.' Frodo pulled the Oreo from his pocket and handed it to Gandalf, who chucked it into the fire.  
'Seriously?' Frodo said. 'You sent me 17 years into the future just so I could watch you burn a cookie?'  
'It's not burned,' Gandalf explained, fishing around in the fireplace with a pair of tongs. 'In fact, it's – oh bugger, where's it gone? Ah, here we go. As I was saying, it's quite cool. Here, take it.' He handed the miraculously undamaged Oreo to Frodo, who studied it curiously. 'Now, do you see any markings on it?' the wizard asked.  
'No. Oh wait, yes.'  
'As I suspected. This is the One Oreo..'  
'The what?'  
'Baked by the Dark Lord Sauron in the Oven of Doom, and taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself. Sauron's life force is bound to it; if the Oreo is returned to his grasp, he could achieve world domination. And the Oreo wants to return to him – what's that?' From outside the window could be heard the sound of the Mario theme. Gandalf looked out and saw a hobbit sitting playing Mario on his phone.  
'Hey! What are you- I didn't even have time to save my game!' he protested as Gandalf pulled him inside.  
'Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping?'  
'I ain't been dropping no eaves, sir! Well, maybe one, but I put it back up, honest!'  
'What did you hear? Speak!' Gandalf demanded.  
'Nothing important. Just somethin' about an oreo and the end of the world,' Sam gabbled.  
'Hmmm. Well, I've thought of a use for you. Frodo is leaving the Shire; you are to accompany him.'  
'Mister Frodo's leaving?' Sam asked, looking shocked.  
'I'm leaving?' Frodo asked, looking equally shocked.  
'Oh yes, didn't I say?' Gandalf replied airily. 'You can't stay here – the Oreo will attract evil creatures of darkness and all that jazz. Now, you two should go to Bree. Meet me there at Starbucks.'  
'But where are _you_ going, Gandalf?' Frodo asked.  
'I'm off to see the head of my order, Sourman the Pink. I have questions that need answering. Or is it answers that need questioning? Something like that. Anyway, toodle-pip!' Gandalf waved cheerily and walked off. Frodo and Sam exchanged glances.  
'Well, I guess we should get going,' Frodo said reluctantly. Sam nodded, and the two hobbits set off. 'Well, this is it,' Sam announced when they were at the edge of a random field. 'If I take one more step, it'll be the furthest from home I've ever been.'  
'That's really pathetic, Sam,' Frodo said, laughing. Sam looked hurt.  
'I'm sorry, Mister Frodo. I was just tryin' to have a poignant moment of my own – I mean, you get so many, especially with your very large blue eyes.'  
'Oh, Sam. My very large blue eyes are supposed to represent how innocent I can remain in the face of evil. Now, come on.'

* * *

Announcer voice: Are _you_ smarter than a mutant hobbit? This new quiz show pits contestants against this slimy mutant hobbit thing… *camera pans over to Gollum* in a game of riddles! One lucky winner will receive a Mystery Prize: Will it be the hands, the knife, the string, or nothing? Tune in to MordorTV tonight and watch the first exciting instalment of Are You Smarter Than A Mutant Hobbit?

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**Reviewers for this chapter will get a LOTR elf of their choice.  
And now it's...*drumroll* review response time!  
****...  
****where are the can-can dancers for the review response time?**  
**Frodo: umm...**  
**R.O: You **_**did **_**hire them, didn't you?  
Frodo: umm...  
**

**Elves are awesome: Oreos are indeed awesome. And I supposed one could argue that the One Oreo is not evil in itself, but merely a vessel for Sauron's evilness...although the Oreo does possess people... *ponders philosophical point, then continues eating Oreos***

**Elvish Cupcake: I think Galadriel's speech is the one that's most similar to the actual movie dialogue.**

**I actually logged in: Ah, the black riders. Are you familiar with Martin the Nazgul?**

**Hiddendreamer67: Yeah... actually, I think the prologue is the **_**least**_** random chapter of this...**

**NimueTheSorceress: '****Ohmiwizardgods' = awesome expression :)**

**LotR-HP-PJ: Thanks for spotting the typo, it has been fixed.**

**Amber: ummmm...I feel I have missed something here...**

**DancingChestnut: Glad you like it! And it just gets crazier from now on...  
**


	3. I am your father! I think

**A/N: OK, I know I'm officially on hiatus, but now I have a local library that has computers, so I can update this. BUT the computers are very slow and have pesky time limits, so I think this will be the only fic I can update for a while because I've written it in advance so I can just email the chapters to myself.**

* * *

That evening, Frodo and Sam heard faint singing from far away. A few minutes later, a large procession of elves came into view. Some were on foot, and some were on skateboards.  
'They're going to the harbour,' Frodo said. 'To the Grey Havens.'  
'They're leaving middle earth on luxury cruises,' Sam added. 'Never to return.'

* * *

Meanwhile Gandalf, who had somehow acquired a motorbike, drove up to a dark tower. Near it was a road sign that read, "Welcome to Isengard, twinned with Mordor".  
That in itself should have been a warning that all was not well, but Gandalf was too preoccupied to notice.  
Standing on the steps of the tower was a wizard. His robes, hair and beard were all a blindingly bright shade of pink.  
'Yo, Gandizzle,' he called out. 'How's it hanging, my homie?'  
'Sourman,' Gandalf greeted. Sourman the Pink, head of the Istari, was respected by all, although there were some who were certain that he had been dropped on his head as an infant.  
'So, Gandizzle, whazzup?' Sourman asked, once Gandalf had left his hat on the motorbike and climbed the steps of Orthanc.  
'Well, the Oreo has been found,' Gandalf replied. 'Turns out it was hiding in the Shire all these years.'  
'So it was, like, under your nose this whole time? Dude, what have you been _smoking_?'  
'Old Toby,' Gandalf admitted. 'But that's not the point! Sourman, what are we going to do?' They had somehow ended up inside the tower; in a room with a pedestal in the centre. Sourman pulled the cloth off the top, revealing a tablet.  
'Facetime is a dangerous tool, Sourman!' Gandalf warned.  
'Aw, c'mon, Gandizzle, why so chicken?' Sourman asked.  
'The Facetime Tablets are not all accounted for. We do not know who else may be watching.' Gandalf covered the Facetime Tablet again.  
'Yo, Gandizzle, I meant to tell ya. Sauron has totally woken up the Nine again.'  
'_What?'  
_'Yeah. They're in the shape of Black Bikers now. They passed by here a few days ago.'  
'They must be heading for the Shire. Quickly, we still have time-'  
'Dude, it's already too late. No-one can withstand Sauron's power – or his awesome makeup skills. Have you seen what that guy can do with mascara?'  
Horrified, Gandalf tried to run, but the doors magically swung shut.  
'What the hell, Sourman?!' he yelled. Sourman pointed his staff – his pink, glittery staff – and slammed Gandalf into a wall using his Awesome Wizard Skillz™. Gandalf retaliated, and there followed an epic telekinetic battle, the likes of which have not been seen since Star Wars. Eventually Sourman stole Gandalf's staff and advanced on him, grinning evilly.  
'Gandizzle, you should have taken the easy way out, not the way of pain. The way of pain is _painful_, dude, but y'all are leaving me no choice. _Wingardium leviosa!_' he sent Gandalf hurtling up the tower.

* * *

_Now, let us return to our insipid travellers-  
_**Frodo: **Don't you mean "intrepid"?  
_No, I mean "insipid". And don't interrupt! You're a character; you're not supposed to be able to interact with the narrator!  
_**Frodo: **Sorry.  
_Anyway, let us return to our insipid travellers who are currently in the middle of a cornfield, where Sam is freaking out because he can't see Frodo._

* * *

'Mister Frodo? Mister Frodo!' Frodo stopped walking and turned back.  
'What is it, Sam?'  
'I couldn't see you. I thought I'd lost you.'  
'For the love of the Valar, Sam, must you be so overprotective?'  
'It was just somethin' Gandalf said.'  
'Pfft. Gandalf's a senile old crackhead. We're still in the Shire, Sam. What could possibly happen?'  
Sam looked unconvinced. 'Well, two mysterious assailants could jump out of the corn and-' he was cut off by two mysterious assailants jumping out of the corn and tackling Frodo to the ground. 'See? See? I told you! But no-one listens to _Sam_, because _he's_ just _paranoid_...' Sam muttered darkly. Frodo rolled his eyes.  
'Sam, it's just Pippin and Merry. They're my...cousins. I think. Or possibly my sons?' However, this important question on hobbit genealogy was never answered, because Sam stopped angsting long enough to notice what Pippin and Merry were carrying.  
'Here! Those are bootleg DVDs! You've been stealing from Farmer Maggot's stash!' Just then, Farmer Maggot's voice was heard. 'Somebody's been sitting in my man-cave!'  
Merry face-palmed. 'I told you we shouldn't have stayed to watch Batman!'  
'It was your idea!' Pippin protested.  
'Fly, you fools!' Frodo cut in, and the four hobbits ran through the cornfields, until they fell off a cliff.  
I mean, really, who plants corn at the edge of a _cliff_?  
The four found themselves at the bottom of the cliff, somehow uninjured.  
'Trust a Brandybuck and a Took,' Sam said furiously.  
'Hey, I'm half Brandybuck!' Frodo cried. 'I think...'  
'Anyway, that was just a shortcut,' Merry explained.  
'To what?'  
'Lucky Charms!' While Sam, Pippin and Merry started eating the box of cereal that had appeared, Frodo stood in the middle of the road, staring moodily into the distance.  
'I think we should get off the road,' he said, for no apparent reason. No-one paid any attention to him. 'Get off the road!' The hobbits ran to the side of the road and... hid under a tree. Yeah.  
But they had just taken cover when a biker sped by, covered in a black cloak that flapped dramatically in the wind. The Biker screeched to a halt by the tree and began sniffing the air. For a moment it looked like the hobbits were well and truly screwed, but then Merry had the presence of mind to throw the Lucky Charms box at the Biker. The Biker shrieked and drove off.  
'That Biker was looking for something... or some_one_,' Merry said ominously. 'Frodo?'  
'What?'  
'Was that Biker looking for _you_?'  
'Nooo...' Merry looked suspicious. Frodo sighed. 'Look, Sam and I need to get out of the Shire. Can you help us? As a favour to a nephew?'  
'I thought we were brothers...' Merry said, confused. Frodo waved a hand dismissively. 'Whatevs. Can you help us, or not?'  
'Rainbow crossing. Let's go!' The four hobbits ran on until they reached the Brandywine River. 'Now what?' Frodo asked. Merry nodded to Pippin, who pulled out a pot of gold and threw it across to the other bank. Instantly, a Magic Rainbow arced over the river, and the hobbits ran across it. The Magic Rainbow disappeared just as the Biker drove up to the other side and screeched ineffectually at Frodo.  
As they walked towards Bree, distant singing could be heard: 'Old Tom's coat is blue, and his boots are yellow...' The singing stopped, replaced by running footsteps. 'Hey now! Derry dol! Don't leave old Tom out of this!' The hobbits looked at each other nervously.  
'What was that?' Frodo asked.  
'I don't know, but I think we should go faster,' Merry said. They began to run.

* * *

**I always imagine Tom Bombadil talking a bit like Ol' Gil from the Simpsons, for some weird reason.**

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Announcer Voice: Secret councils should be just that – secret. So the last thing you want is random hobbits showing up! But with Super-Efficient Security Alarm, you'll never be bothered by intruders! The SESA can be installed anywhere – even outside! Simply set it up, and it will be triggered by the approach of any unwanted guests! Observe! *scene cuts to the Council of Elrond, where two hobbits are stealthily crawling towards to council scene. The SESA has been carefully hidden under a bush. As the hobbits approach, it lights up*  
Announcer Voice: Any minute now, the SESA will go off, alerting everyone to the presence of those two hobbits! *The two hobbits keep crawling towards the council. The SESA doesn't react*  
Announcer Voice: Yep, any minute now, that baby's going to start wailing like Legolas when he discovers that we've hidden his hairbrush… not that that was me or anything… hehe. *The two hobbits are now positioned directly under the bush where SESA is. It doesn't react*  
Announcer Voice: Aannnyyy minute now…. *Crickets chirping*  
Announce Voice: …Can I go home now?

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**Review response time! ... Frodo?  
****Frodo: Yes?  
****RO: What are **_**those?  
**_**Frodo: The can-can dancers you ordered.  
****RO: Those are not can-can dancers. Those are dancing cans. Wearing tutus.  
****Frodo: Can-can dancers, dancing cans, potayto, potahto.**

**DancingChestnut: Here ya go. *hands Legolas over*  
Legolas: Don't you need me for the story?  
RO: Yeah, but you don't come in for a few chapters.  
Legolas: A few chapters?! But I haven't done my hair, or makeup, or…**

**NimueTheSorceress: Glad you're enjoying it, and thanks for the review!**

**Gollum girl2003 Coraline: The headless ninja was… that one.**

**BooksMakeMagicForMe: Hello again! Glad you like it!**

**Rorythedragon: Thanks for the review!**

**Sparklesaremylife: Well, the Oreo is thousands of years old, and probably way past its best before date, and I wouldn't eat something that Gollum had kept in a cave for centuries…**

** : Me too! It's my favourite TV show.**

**I should login: Randomness! Yay!**

**OREOS PRECIOUSSS: Nooo! *chases after***

**Amber: Ah, youtube-addiction. 'Tis a terrible affliction. I've lost track of the number of times I was supposed to be updating a chapter and got side-tracked by Doctor Who stuff on youtube.**

**Nirette: Hellooo! Have a Figwit! And you recognized the five hundred miles song? Huzzah, someone might actually get some of the Scottish jokes in here :)**

**MeganWildrose: Yes, poor Sam…**

**Hiddendreamer67: Well…I'm not sure if this can be called 'soon', but I updated!**

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**Reviewers can get an elf from any time period of middle earth. Except Maedhros. He's mine. *hisses***


	4. At the sign of the Starbucks

**The elves-for-reviewers thing is getting so popular I'm going to open it up to elves from other worlds, like Alagaësia, or… actually, that's the only other world with elves in it that I can think of right now…**

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It was raining by the time the hobbits got to Bree, and they were soaked when they finally found Starbucks.

'If you're looking for seats, we have some nice hobbit-sized booths over there,' the barista said.

'Um, thanks,' Frodo said. 'Could we get four small lattes, please?'

'Certainly, Mr...?'

'... Swaggins. Brodo Swaggins. And, is Gandalf here?'

'Gandalf? Gandalf...' the barista mused.

'Elderly chap, questionable dress sense, smokes possibly illegal pipe, terrible at singing?'

'Oh yes! _That_ Gandalf! Haven't seen him for ages,' the barista said.

'Oh well,' Frodo said, shrugging. 'We'll just go sit down near that mysterious cloaked stranger over there.'

'Him? He's one of those deposed kings from the north. 'Round these parts we call him Strider.' The barista explained. Frodo nodded.

'Sounds legit. Let's go.'

'I thought I was that unofficial leader of the hobbits!' Merry protested.

'Nah, you got relegated to Comic Relief No.2.'

'It's not fair!'

'Tell me about it,' Sam agreed. 'I'm just the "stupid fat hobbit".'

Despite Merry's misgivings, they sat down near the mysterious cloaked stranger. Pippin took out a tube of Pringles and started eating them.

Suddenly the mysterious cloaked stranger got up, walked over to the hobbits' table, shoved a bag over Frodo's head and dragged him back to the corner. Sam, Pippin and Merry weren't paying attention and so didn't notice for several minutes.

The mysterious cloaked stranger pulled the bag off Frodo's head and said ominously, 'You should be more careful, Mr _Swaggins_. That is no mere treat you carry.'

'How do you know what I carry?' Frodo asked.

'Because I'm special,' the mysterious cloaked stranger (who shall henceforth for simplicity's sake be called Strider) replied. 'Are you frightened?'

'Well, first I was afraid, then I was petrified,' music swelled in the background, 'but I thought to myself, I will survive!'

Strider sighed. 'That's nice. But you're not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you.'

'You do? 'Cause I don't.' Just then Sam, Pippin and Merry noticed that Frodo had gone, and wandered over to Strider's table.

'Mister Frodo, where did you go?' Sam asked.

'Oh, I just got kidnapped by a creepy guy who knows the Bikers.'

'They were once men,' Strider explained. 'Great idiots of men. They ate the cookies that Sauron gave them and got terrible food poisoning. But instead of dying, they passed into the shadow world and became wraiths. They are the Nazgul, or the Jaffawraiths. Drawn to the Oreo. They will never stop hunting you.'  
'Okayyy...' Frodo said. There was a long silence broken only by the sound of Pippin eating Pringles. Then Sam said, 'Wait, who is he again?'

'I am a friend of Gandalf's.'

'Where is Gandalf?' Merry asked.

'I don't know, but we can't wait for him here any longer,' Strider replied.

'Why not?'

''Cause Starbucks closes at six, and it's already five thirty. Come on, let's go.'

'Where are you taking us?' Frodo asked as Strider led them out of Bree.

'Into the wild!'

'Will there be WiFi?'

* * *

_The five of them walked for several days, which later reduced to a ten-second montage. As nothing interesting happened during this time other than a slight altercation over mealtimes, let us now return to Isengard..._

* * *

Sourman stood by the Facetime Tablet, whose screen showed a giant eye, lidless, wreathed in flame. It was speaking, despite the fact that this was anatomically impossible.

'S-man, I want you to make me an army that will be totes amaze.'

''Course, dude.' Sourman switched off the Tablet and turned to the teenage girl randomly standing nearby.

'So, like, what's the scoop from Mordor?' she asked.

'My brotha from anotha motha wants an army of epic proportions. You and your people will have to cut down a whole bunch of trees.'

'Aww, do we have to?' the girl whined. 'My nail polish will chip.' Sourman unfolded a picture of Legolas and held it up to girl's face.

'OMG it's Legolas!11!1' she squealed. Sourman led her outside, and soon a whole pack of fangirls were enthusiastically chopping down trees.

At the top of Orthanc, Gandalf sat huddled in a corner of a roof as Atmospheric Rain sheeted down. A remote control fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.

* * *

Strider led the four hobbits to an abandoned petrol station in the middle of a wood.

'This was the great petrol station of Amon Sûl,' he said. 'We will rest here tonight.' He pulled four lightsabers down from a display rack, handed them to the hobbits, and then mysteriously disappeared. The hobbits waited by a petrol pump for him to return. Frodo examined his lightsaber thoughtfully. Pippin ate Pringles. Sam and Merry decided to set fire to a nearby puddle of petrol.

'What are you doing?' Frodo exclaimed.

'Just indulgin' in a bit of pyromania, Mister Frodo.'

'Put it out, you fools! Put it out!' Sam and Merry reluctantly extinguished the fire.

An unearthly shriek sounded in the distance.

'Nazgul,' Frodo muttered.

'Bless you,' Pippin said politely. Frodo facepalmed.

Six Nazgul rode up to the petrol station, got off their bikes and advanced on the hobbits, carrying large kitchen knives. Sam, Pippin and Merry all drew their lightsabers and tried to look threatening, but Frodo put the Oreo in his mouth (which was very unhygienic. Don't try this at home, kids) and became invisible.

With the Oreo in his mouth, Frodo saw that the Nazgul didn't look like cloaked figures anymore – in fact, they looked a lot like the Village People. One of them stabbed Frodo in the shoulder. Frodo spat out the Oreo, became visible again and lay screaming in pain while Sam, Pippin and Merry stood around looking confused.

Suddenly Strider reappeared with a massive torch and shone it in the Nazgul's faces. The Nazgul shrieked, ran back to their motorbikes and drove off. Sam rushed to Frodo's side. 'Can you help him?' He asked Strider.

'He's been stabbed by an IKEA stainless steel blade. Only the elves can save him now.'

'But we'll never reach them in time!' Sam protested.

'Do you have any plasters?' Strider asked. Sam looked blank.

'Plasters?'

'Band-aids.'

'Band-aids, aye, I have some with me.'

'Get them out. They may help to stop Frodo from bleeding to death.' Sam obediently pulled a box of plasters out of his backpack. Strider opened the box and began sticking plasters onto Frodo's shoulder wound.

* * *

Announcer Voice: Does your skin look like this? *shows picture of Théoden looking ancient* You need Maia Anti-Aging Cream! Maia Anti-Aging Cream will transform your appearance and your life, making you look and feel fifty years younger in just ten seconds! *shows picture of Theoden looking young and handsome* Reconnect with your family, drive out evil manipulative guys and take control of your country again! Maia Anti-Aging Cream – used by kings!

* * *

**Sablestar Braveheart: Thank you, and thanks for the review!**

**Bronze Cat: Here, have a Glorfindel! Post-Balrog Glorfindel comes with paranoia and a fear of fire, light bulbs and matches. If Sourman and the Fabulous Saruman of Many Colours got together, they would probably form an unholy alliance…together they would be unstoppable…and they would conquer middle earth…through the power…of DANCE!**

**Rorythedragon: And if you feel moved to buy any of the products advertised, they can be purchased online at www . notarealwebsite /fakeurl . com…**

**Nirette: And here's another updateeee!**

**Doctor Legolas: YAY DOCTOR WHOOOO! Maybe your friends **_**have**_** heard of it, and they just don't remember…. o_O I'm afraid Legolas has locked himself in his dressing room and is refusing to come out until someone brings him his lip gloss, but you can have Elrond. And his eyebrows. And a razor to threaten them with *evil laugh***

**Gollum girl2003 Coraline: You can have Legolas' lip gloss. Maybe you can lure him out with it. **

** : I shall warn Bilbo at once!  
Bilbo: You lot worry too much. I just want to **_**see**_** the Oreo…**

**Willotuft: Glad you like it!**

**Amber: Watch this Youtube video, they said. It'll only take up five minutes of your life, they said. There's no such thing as Youtube addiction, they said…**

**Daisycooper: Heeere's Fëanor! And the Silmarils, which for some reason have been transformed into M&Ms.**

**DancingChestnut: Celebrian for you. Keep her safe from nasty orcses.**

* * *

**So, yeah, as stated above, reviewers for this chapter can get an elf from middle earth OR Alagaësia.**


	5. The one with all the flashbacks

While Strider was busy patching up Frodo, a dark-haired woman on a skateboard silently rode out of the trees and tapped Strider on the shoulder.  
'Arwen!' he said, after recovering from a minor heart attack.  
'Aragorn, I can take Frodo to my father,' she said.  
'Okay – hey, isn't that Glorfindel's skateboard?'  
'No.'  
'I think it is.'  
'It isn't!'  
'It has "property of Lord Glorfindel" written on it.'  
'No, it doesn't.' Arwen tried to cover the writing with her foot. Strider (who shall henceforth be called Aragorn) raised an eyebrow. Arwen stuck her tongue out at Aragorn, picked up Frodo and skateboarded off.  
Arwen reached a vast open plain, and was soon being pursued by all nine Black Bikers. One of them had a saxophone and was playing the Isengard theme.  
Arwen 'boarded up to a river and jumped it easily. The Bikers stopped on the other side.  
'Sister, give us the midget!' one shouted.  
'Like hell I will,' Arwen replied, before lifting her arms to the sky and calling, 'O great Poseidon, lord of the waters, wake the river and drown this filth!'  
A distant voice boomed, 'My name is _Ulmo_! Why does everyone confuse me with that trident-toting egomaniac?' But all the same, a tidal wave did rise up and washed away the Bikers. The one with the saxophone started playing The Blue Danube.  
Suddenly Frodo fell off the skateboard.  
'Oh come on, Frodo, don't tell me you're going to die now, after I went to all that effort,' Arwen sighed. She picked up Frodo again and skated off.

* * *

Frodo woke up in a soft and comfortable bed.  
'Ah, you're awake,' said a voice.  
'Aagh! Stalker!' Frodo shrieked. Gandalf (for his was the voice) looked slightly offended.  
'Oh. It's you. Where am I?' Frodo asked.  
'You are in the house of Elrond,' Gandalf replied. Elrond appeared and smiled at Frodo.  
'What is it with people watching me sleep?' the hobbit complained. 'What day is it?'  
'It is October the 24th, and it is ten o'clock in the morning.'  
'Gandalf, why weren't you at Starbucks?'  
'I was delayed,' Gandalf replied, staring distantly into the distance.

* * *

_*flashback time*_

Gandalf and Sourman battle on the top of Orthanc.  
'Dude, come to the dark side. We have cookies!'  
'There is only one Lord of the Cookies, and he does not share power!' Gandalf retorted. Sourman used his Awesome Wizard Skillz™ to blast Gandalf to the edge of the tower. Gandalf pulled out the remote control and pressed a few buttons, and a moment later a helicopter flew up to the tower. Gandalf climbed into the helicopter, stuck his tongue out at Sourman and flew off.

_*end flashback time*_

* * *

'Gandalf?'  
'Hmm?'  
'You were staring off into the distance, as though reliving painful memories,' Frodo said. Gandalf frowned.  
'Why don't you go find Sam? He was worried about you – he's hardly left your side.'  
'Again with the people watching me sleep!' Frodo wandered off, conveniently leaving Elrond and Gandalf to discuss the Oreo in ominous voices.  
'You say Sourman has betrayed us?' Elrond asked.  
'His treachery runs deeper than you know,' Gandalf said. 'He's been crossing fangirls with goblins to create Mary-Sues. He's breeding an army.'  
Elrond frowned. 'The Oreo cannot stay in Rivendell.'  
'Aw, why not? It would make life so much easier,' Gandalf pouted.  
'We could not defend it against both Mordor and Isengard. The strength of the elves is waning. Besides,' he added as an afterthought, 'one of my sons would probably eat it by mistake.'  
'Then I suppose we'll just have to find a gullible human.'  
'Men? Men are silly – they just keep dying. And they are weak, too. I was there, Gandalf. I was there with Isildur, three thousand years ago.'

* * *

_*flashback time*_

Elrond and Isildur stood in an industrial-sized kitchen, one wall of which was taken up by a massive oven.  
'Isildur, cast it into the oven!' Elrond yelled. Isildur shook his head.  
'Nah. I think I'll keep it.'  
'Isildur!'  
_'Elrond!'_  
'For the love of Eru, Isildur, throw the Oreo away!'  
'No! It is mine!' Isildur suddenly turned into a giant pink flamingo and hopped away, singing merrily.  
'What the hell?!' Elrond yelled.

_*end flashback time*_

* * *

'And this decision does not belong to one race, but to all.' In the courtyard below, a stretch limo pulled up. Boromir got out, along with some other noblemen. Shortly afterwards a group of blonde elves on skateboards showed up, then a seven-seater car full of dwarves.

* * *

Later that night, Aragorn sat in a hall reading _Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince_, when Boromir came in. He headed over to a statue holding a tray, on which rested a broken fork.  
'The shards of NÅRSÌL,' he murmured, then glanced over at Aragorn, who was still reading.  
'Dumbledore dies,' Boromir said matter-of-factly.  
'Douchebag.'  
Boromir left the hall, laughing evilly. Aragorn got up and stood in front of the fork statue. Arwen appeared.  
'Do not let the past trouble you. You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself. You are not bound to his fate.'  
'The same blood flows in my veins...the same weakness...the same anaemia.' Suddenly they were standing on a bridge.  
'Do you remember when we first met?' Arwen murmured, in Elvish.  
'I thought I had strayed into a dream,' Aragorn replied. 'For where else would I have seen psychedelic trees?'  
'Do you remember what I told you?'  
'You said, if your grandmother caught me there she'd set the Galadhrim on me.'  
'And to that I hold. I would rather spend one lifetime with you then face all the ages of this world alone.'  
Aragorn looked confused. 'What does that have to do with anything?'  
Arwen rolled her eyes. 'I was trying to be romantic, you clod.'  
'Oh.' Aragorn leaned in to kiss her, but they were interrupted by very loud, off-key singing from the bushes.  
'Oh, can you feeel the looove toniiight...' Aragorn looked around in surprise, but Arwen just sighed.  
'It's Glorfindel. No-one else in Rivendell can sing that spectacularly out of tune.' She leaned over and grabbed the offending elf by his hair.  
'Ow! What was that for?' Glorfindel complained.  
'You know _Ada_ banned you from singing in public.'  
'You stole my skateboard!'  
'No, I borrowed it. Without the intention of returning it.'

* * *

**Seriously, why can't I write a story without Martin the Nazgul appearing in it somewhere?  
****Martin: Because I'm just too awesome to be left out.  
****RO: Martin! Go away! You're annoying!  
****Martin: Funny, that's not what Éowyn said last night…  
****Everyone: o_O  
****Éowyn: Martin, last night was a mistake-  
****Martin: Éowyn! My love!  
****Éowyn: Oh shit.  
****RO: Ai Elbereth Gilthoniel… run the ad break!**

* * *

Announcer voice: When you're in the midst of an epic battle, the last thing you want is to run out of arrows. *picture of elf turning empty quiver upside down, looking sad* So why not try Infinity Quivers? With Infinity Quivers, you'll _always _have a full set of arrows, no matter how many orcs you shoot! *Epic battle sequence featuring Legolas killing a bazillion orcs* And now, our budget range – the quiver will _always_ contain exactly three arrows, no matter how many wargs you kill! *Epic battle sequence featuring Kili kili-ing a bazillion wargs* Infinity Quivers – there for as long as you need them!

* * *

**Gollum girl2003 Coraline: Hello, split personality…**

**Nirette: Gaaah, now the word "Lot" doesn't make sense to me either. **

**DancingChestnut: Sounds like a good plan :)**

**Sablestar Braveheart: Yep, here's Haldir! He's a bit heavy, though, so don't try and use him as a javelin *nods wisely***

**Rorythedragon: He's currently fighting with Gandalf over the hair straighteners, but next chapter's his big entrance…  
Legolas: Next CHAPTER?! Deary me, where **_**are**_** my false eyelashes…**

**Doctor Legolas: Pringleses, precious, we loves them, yesss!**

**Suzaki: Glad you love it!**

**MeganWildrose: why thank you! The Council…yeah, it's pretty weird… and here's Blödhgarm. And his scent.**

**LegolasGreenleafLove: You can have Legolas, if he can be extracted from his dressing room.  
Legolas: B-but my manicure! It's still not dry!**

**Willowtuft: Yep, the rabid fangirls will do **_**anything**_** for an elf…or a picture of one.**

**Daisycooper: One day, the M&M's will begin their conquest of the world. At least you'll have some hostages to bargain with.**

* * *

**Reviewers may get a free elf of their choice, from either middle earth or Alagesia (or Discworld if you really want, but those guys are ****_nasty_****).**


	6. In which Gimli makes a suggestion

_The next day, at the Council of Elrond..._

* * *

'I don't know half of you as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve,' Elrond intoned, looking around at the assembled Council impressively. Someone coughed. Elrond looked down at the piece of paper in his hand.  
'Damn. Someone mixed up the scripts again. Ahem. I mean, strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the Oreo, Frodo.'  
Frodo put the Oreo on a birdbath that stood in the middle of the council room. It seemed to be singing quietly. Everyone craned their necks to get a better look.  
'That Oreo is altogether evil,' Gandalf remarked. Boromir stood up.  
'No, it is a gift! A gift to the...foes of...Mondor?' Boromir squinted at the words written on his hand. The nobleman sitting next to him facepalmed.  
'You cannot wield it. None of us can,' Aragorn said.  
'And what would a ranger know of such matters?'  
'This is no mere ranger!' an elf (who shall henceforth be known as Legolas) exclaimed. 'He is Aragorn, son of someone else ending in –orn. You owe him £1,000 in rent!'  
'Aragorn? _This_ is Isildur's heir?'  
'And heir to the throne of Legoland,' Legolas confirmed.  
Aragorn stood up.'Bad Legolas! Sit! Stay!' Legolas obediently sat down.  
'Screw this, I'm going to sleep,' Boromir muttered, taking out a travel pillow and closing his eyes.  
'You have only one choice. The Oreo must be destroyed,' Elrond intoned.  
'Well, what are we waiting for?' A dwarf (who shall be henceforth known as Gimli) roared. He took out a croquet mallet and whacked the Oreo with it. Against all laws of physics, the Oreo remained intact while the mallet shattered.  
'The Oreo cannot be destroyed by any craft that we here possess,' Elrond intoned.  
'Well, you could have mentioned that earlier,' Gimli grumbled.  
'Wait,' Frodo said. 'Why can't we just eat it?'  
'Because that would completely undermine the already flimsy plotline!' Gandalf said irritably.  
'The Oreo must be taken to the hotel of Mordor and cast back into the oven from whence it came. One of you must do this.' Elrond intoned. There was an unhappy silence. The nobleman sitting next to Boromir jabbed him in the ribs.  
'Huh? What? Oh, right. One does not simply walk into Mordor.' Everyone waited expectantly.  
'Yes, Boromir, go on,' Elrond said kindly.  
'Um... there's bad stuff there...?'  
'Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Oreo must be destroyed!' Legolas cried.  
'Hang on,' Gimli said slowly. 'If we can't walk into Mordor Hotel, why don't we drive there?'  
'You don't have a car,' Elrond pointed out. Gimli shrugged.  
'I can borrow dad's.'  
'Oh, no you don't.' Gloin said.  
'Besides, dwarves are _terrible_ drivers,' Legolas informed them. 'A few years ago, a whole minivan of them drove through Mirkwood. They crashed in one of _Ada_'s parties.'  
'Well, it's the best idea we've got,' Elrond interrupted. 'Who else wants to go?'  
'I'm the Oreo-bearer, so I have to go, don't I?' Frodo said, stepping into the middle of the council room, next to Gimli.  
'I'll come, too,' Gandalf put in.  
'So that's Gimli, Elrond and Gandalf. Aragorn, be a sport and join them, will you?' Elrond asked.  
'I'm in, I guess,' Legolas said. Elrond nodded.  
'Anyone else?'  
'Boromir wants to go,' said the nobleman sitting next to Boromir.  
'Huh? No I don't.'  
'Sure you do.' The nobleman shoved Boromir forward.  
'Hey! Mister Frodo's not going anywhere without me!' Sam randomly appeared.  
'We're coming too!' Pippin and Merry ran forward. Gimli started to look worried.  
'There's not that much room in the car...'  
'Well, you'd have to send us home tied up in sacks to stop us.'  
'That can be arranged,' Gimli said happily.  
'No, no, nine road-trippers is fine,' Elrond intervened. 'You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring. I mean Oreo. Fellowship of the Oreo. Yes.'

* * *

Later that night, Frodo and Bilbo stayed up talking.  
'Ah, this is Sting. My old lightsaber. It glows blue when fangirls are near,' Bilbo explained, handing it to Frodo. 'And here's my bulletproof vest! The dwarves gave it to me. Here, it's yours now.'  
'Thank you,' Frodo stammered, taking the vest.

* * *

The Fellowship didn't actually leave Rivendell for about two months. First Gloin's car had to be MOT'd and refuelled, and then there was the question of who would drive. It was unanimously decided that Gimli should not be allowed near a steering wheel, so in the end they decided that Gandalf would drive, with Aragorn in the passenger seat, Gimli and Legolas behind them and Boromir and the hobbits squashed together in the back.  
'Upon you who travel, no oath or bond is laid to go further than you will,' Elrond intoned as the Fellowship prepared to leave. 'May the blessings of elves, men and all the free races of middle earth go with you. Except you,' he added, pointing at Merry.

* * *

_And with those parting words, the Fellowship drove off in silence.  
Well, for about five minutes anyway._

* * *

'Are we there yet?'  
'No.'  
'Are we there yet?'  
'No.'  
'Are we there yet?'  
'No!'  
'Are we there mmfff'  
'What was that?' Aragorn asked, turning round in his seat.  
'Nothing,' Boromir said innocently.  
'It _sounded_ like a hobbit being smothered with a travel pillow.'  
And so they drove on in silence. Gimli was still sulking about not being allowed to drive.

* * *

**Just to clarify, Boromir does not live in Legoland the theme park, he just lives in a land where all the buildings are made out of Lego.**

* * *

Announcer voice: This chapter was brought to you by Sharkey's Snack Bar. Sharkey's Snack Bar brings you the best of ethnic Orc cuisine, including maggoty bread, hobbit legs- hobbit legs?!  
Director: Keep reading.  
Announcer (who is actually Frodo): Hobbit legs? I'm a hobbit! This is offensive to my species!  
Director: Just keep reading!  
Frodo: No! I protest this horrible treatment of hobbits! *turns to face camera* Brother hobbits, will we let this horror continue? Or will we take a stand? Join me, brother hobbits! JOIN THE REVOLUTION!  
Director: Cut! Cut!  
Cameraman (who is actually Pippin): No! We will not be silenced! Join the revolution!  
Director: asdjflk

* * *

**LegolasGreenleaflove: DON'T DIE! D: Yeah, Boromir was a bit of a douche…**

**HannahKathleen: I've had that problem as well. The number of people I've freaked out in libraries…and airports…**

**Nirette: Yes. Let's hope Faramir never finds this. And THAT is a brilliant idea!**

**Gollum girl2003 Coraline: Hi, Wombles. Well done for getting Legolas out of his dressing room, and just in time, too.**

**Daisycooper: ALL HAIL TO THE LEADER OF THE M&MS! *****bows***

**StormwalkerofLorein: Thank you! Yeah, Alagaësia (or however you spell it) is kinda similar to Middle Earth, but I think all medieval-fantasy-worlds are similar to a greater or lesser extent. And here is Thorin, complete with Majesty****™.**

**Rorythedragon: Well, Legolas was successfully extracted from his changing room, and should be ready for his next appearance.**

**Bronze Cat: I'm glad this brightened your day! Poor Glorfindel. Perhaps Dobby will cheer him up, although the socks in Gryffindor colours might set him off again.**

**Suzaki: Here's Legolas. Be careful with the poor dear.**

**Doctor Legolas: Yup, Martin's pretty loveable.  
Martin: *hisses***

**DancingChestnut: You'd pay a million bucks to see that, huh? Well, maybe someday, when I sign away the movie rights ;) alternately, we could kidnap Hugo Weaving.**

* * *

**Ahem. Lord Elrond and Queen Islanzadi have requested that I stop sending their subjects off as reviewer rewards. But no-one said anything about hobbits****…**** *eyes Frodo evilly*  
****Frodo: I don****'****t like where this is going.  
****RO: That****'****s right folks, all reviewers can now get a ****_hobbit _****of their choice!**


	7. In which Gandalf has road rage

'I've got the moves like Jagger, I've got the moves like Jagger, I've got the moo-oo-oo-oves like-'  
'Shut the bloody hell up, Pippin!' Gandalf shouted.  
'Gandalf! Not in front of the children!' Legolas said, sounding shocked.  
'There aren't any children here,' Boromir pointed out.  
'Well, not in front of Gimli, then!'  
'Bugger off, you pointy-eared hippie.' Gandalf then proceeded to swear colourfully for several minutes, while everyone else listened in stunned silence. Merry took notes.  
A few minutes later a huge flock of birds flew into the windscreen.  
'Bloody birds!'  
'They're Crebain from Dunland,' Legolas said to the world at large.  
'I don't bloody well care what kind of birds they are!' It was at this point that Gandalf drove into a tree.  
'Well, at least the birds are gone,' Aragorn said at length. Gandalf hit him.  
'What should we do now?' Boromir asked.  
'Why don't we go to Moria?' Gimli suggested. 'My cousin Balin owns a cafe there. He might give us a free meal.'  
'No, Gimli,' Gandalf said. 'I think we should drive up that huge, snow-covered mountain there. Now, who wants to put on the snow chains?'

* * *

The Fellowship drove up Caradhras in the snow for several hours.

'Winter is coming,' Boromir said impressively.  
'Yes, Boromir,' Gandalf said patiently. 'That's what we call it when it gets all cold and snowy.' The snow got steadily heavier.  
After a while, there was a quiet 'uh-oh' from the back of the car.  
'Frodo, what did you do?' Gandalf asked, stopping the car.  
'Well,' the hobbit began in a small voice, 'you know how the window is open?'  
'Yes...'  
'And you know how I'm sitting next to the window?'  
'Yes...'  
'And you know how it's quite windy out?'  
'Frodo, _what happened?'_  
'Um, the Oreo kind of fell out of the car.'  
'FOOL of a Baggins!' the Fellowship got out of the car and sifted through the snow for several minutes, until Boromir found the Oreo. He lifted it out of the snow by its chain and examined it.  
'Boromir, give the Oreo to Frodo.'  
'But it's shiny!'  
'Boromir...'  
'Fine.' He handed the Oreo back to Frodo, and the Fellowship got back in the car and continued driving.  
Suddenly Legolas said, 'There is a fell voice on the air!'  
Gandalf frowned. 'Come on, Justin Bieber's not _that_ bad.'  
'Yes, he is,' chorused the other eight occupants of the car. Then Aragorn said, 'Wait, you're listening to _Justin Bieber?_'  
Gandalf shrugged. 'It was the first CD I found.' Everyone turned to stare at Gimli.  
'Hey, it's my dad's car,' he said defensively.  
'Your dad listens to _Justin Bieber?_' Just then a crackling sound came through the speakers, followed by a different voice.  
'Trolololololololololololololo...'  
'It's Sourman!' Aragorn yelled. 'He's trolling to bring down the mountain! Gandalf, we must turn back!'  
'No!' Gandalf shouted. 'I don't know how to reverse!' Then a massive avalanche buried the car.  
'What now?' Legolas asked, as they all sat in the car, under several feet of snow.  
'We must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan and take the west road to my city!' Boromir shouted.  
'The Gap of Rohan leads us too close to Isengard!' Aragorn yelled.  
'Why are you both shouting?' Frodo asked. 'You're both sitting in the same car, about five feet apart.'  
'Let's go to Moria!' Gimli suggested for the fifteenth time. Gandalf threw up his hands in exasperation.  
'Fine! We'll go to Moria! Now, who wants to dig us out of the snow?'  
Aragorn and Legolas got out of the car, armed with snow shovels that had somehow magically appeared out of nowhere. When they were done, Gandalf turned around and drove off to Moria.

* * *

Gandalf parked in front of Moria and then got out of the car to examine the automatic doors, which were sealed by a password lock screen thingy.  
'"The mall of Moria. Speak friend, and enter",' Gandalf read. 'Anyone have any idea what that means?' The rest of the Fellowship shook their heads. 'Ah well, We might as well have picnic while we're here.' Everyone piled out of the car with picnic baskets that had somehow magically appeared out of nowhere.  
'Could you pass the melon?' Gandalf asked. At his words, the automatic doors sprung open.  
'Hey, what happened?' Frodo said.  
'Well, perhaps the password was "mellon", the Elvish word for "friend",' Merry suggested. 'The two words, "melon" and "mellon" are phonetically similar enough that Gandalf could have accidentally triggered the password lock.' Everyone stared at him.  
Suddenly two tentacles sprung up out of cracks in the parking lot and waved threateningly.  
'It's Elrond's eyebrows! They've come to eat us all!' Sam screamed, and ran back to the car. The eyebrows began attacking Frodo.  
'Legolas, help me!' he yelled. Legolas looked round.  
'Nah.'  
Eventually the eyebrows got bored and went away, and Frodo jumped into the car. The rest of the Fellowship followed him, and soon Gandalf was driving inside Moria.  
The shopping complex was eerily silent. All the stores were empty, and many were boarded up.  
'This place is freaky. Let's get out of here!' Boromir said.  
'No, it is too narrow to do a U-turn,' Gandalf replied, switching on the headlights. 'We must face the long dark of Moria.'

* * *

*Elrond walks in*  
Director: And what product are you advertising?  
Elrond: I don't have a product.  
Director: This is an advertising studio. You have to have a product to advertise.  
Elrond: I'm sorry. I just came here to look for some company. *sniffs theatrically* I get so lonely sometimes…  
Director: Okaayyyy…  
Elrond: *sniffing* Ever since my wife sailed into the West, nearly six hundred years ago….  
Director: There, there… *pats Elrond on the back awkwardly*  
_Half an hour later  
_Elrond: *tearfully* And my daughter chose a mortal life, and will be ever sundered from me…  
Director: There, there…. *pats Elrond on the back awkwardly*  
_Three hours later  
_Elrond: *sniffling* And now my ring of power doesn't even work! *bursts noisily into tears*  
Director: o_O

* * *

**Bronze Cat: Oh, yeah! Hula Hoops are also good for that. Ah, the minivan of dwarves. I have plans for a Hobbit prequel to this, featuring the very vehicle.  
Do tell Granny Weatherwax I said hi. Did you take them to Ankh-Morpork? I hear the river is at its most solid this time of year. And here is a Sam, precious, to call your very own. I don't recommend wearing him on a chain round your neck, though.**

**Rorythedragon: Hehe. I think he has a few more lines in the chapter than the last one…**

**Gollum girl2003 Coraline: According to the Internets, parodic is a word. You can have Sam, if you're willing to share him with the other reviewers.  
Sam: Don't I get a say in this?  
RO: no.**

**Nirette: It's a magical car, which never runs out of gas… maybe… *shifty eyes***

**LegolasGreenleafLove: Heeere's Frodo! (I've watched that clip **_**way**_** too many times) And it's good you're still alive.**

**Doctor Legolas: Here is a Pippin, complete with operating manual.**

**Sablestar Braveheart: Me too! Although walking barefoot would be extremely painful… you can have post-Ring Frodo, with slight mental scarring and only nine fingers. As with post-Balrog Glorfindel, you might want to keep him away from open flames. And jewellery, for that matter.**


	8. fangirls in the deep

**Gaaah, I'm a terrible updater. I can't even blame writers' block. I'll blame homework. Curse you, homework! Curse you and your children and you children's children!**

* * *

After a few hours of driving, they came to a store whose sign read "Acme Arms and Armour, inc."  
'Ah, AAA! A famous dwarf shop!' Gimli exclaimed. Gandalf nodded.  
'Bilbo was given a bulletproof vest from there.'  
'That was a kingly gift.'  
After a bit more driving, they found a small cafe called "Balin's diner".  
'Ah! This is the place,' Gimli said happily. 'With any luck, I'll be able to guilt him into giving us a free meal.' Gandalf stopped the car and pushed open the door of the cafe/diner.  
The tables and chairs were coated with a thick layer of dust. A note was propped against the till.  
'RIP Balin, son of Fundin, who died after actually eating some of the food served here.' Gandalf read aloud.  
'No!Nooo!' Gimli wailed, banging his head repeatedly off the counter. Gandalf picked up the shop's logbook and blew the dust off it.  
'Day 13,' he read. 'Business is not going well. There was a big health and safety scandal over the live crocodile found in the toilets, but fortunately that's all blowing over.' He skipped forward a few pages. 'We have barricaded ourselves in here, but they'll find a way in eventually. Screams, screams in the deep. We cannot get out. At least this shows the barricades are working. They are coming.' There was a loud thump as Pippin knocked over a display case.  
'FOOL of a Took!' Just then, a distant sound was heard. It was coming from far away, but still recognizable as a fangirl squeal.  
'Back to the car! Run!' The Fellowship sprinted back to the car and scrambled inside. Gandalf drove off gain, only to run into a horde of fangirls.  
'OMG look it's Leggy!' one of them shrieked. Legolas meeped and ducked down below the window.  
'I'll handle this,' Gandalf said grimly. He leaned out of the window and shouted, 'You shall not pass! I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of a chocolate cookie! YOU –SHALL NOT – PASS!'  
'IT's Dumbledore!' someone in the crowd screamed.  
'Drive, you fools!' Gandalf yelled as he was dragged out of the car by shrieking Dumbledore fangirls (surely some exist?).  
'GANDALF! NOOOOOOOOOO-' Frodo took a breath, '-OOOOOOOO! Ok, over it now.'  
The car had been freewheeling for a few minutes, but then Aragorn slid into the driver's seat.  
'I call shotgun!' Legolas said, moving forward.  
'How come he gets to sit in the front?' Gimli complained.  
''Cause me and Aragorn are BFFs.'  
Boromir turned to the hobbits and said sternly, 'Now, if I go sit next to Gimli, will you four behave?' The all nodded innocently. Boromir slid forward.

_*five minutes later*_

'He's on my side of the car!'  
'No I'm not! _You're_ on _my_ side of the car!'  
'Sam stole my Pringles!'  
'Frodo's making faces at me!'  
'Merry sat on my carrot!'  
'Pippin, stop kicking me!'  
'Quiet, you lot, or I'll put Justin Bieber back on,' Aragorn threatened.  
The Fellowship drove out of the mall and into bright daylight. The fangirls followed them for a while, until they got bored.

* * *

Unlike Gandalf, Aragorn didn't drive like a drunken psychopath, so they made it to the borders of Lothlorien without crashing into anything.  
Suddenly a group of blonde elves appeared in front of them. Aragorn slammed on the brakes, and the leader of the elves (who was of course Haldir) walked over and motioned for Aragorn to lower the window.  
'Who are you, and why are you trespassing?' Haldir asked.  
'Nice wig, Blondie,' Gimli sneered. 'What's it made of?'  
'Your mom's chest hair,' Haldir replied without missing a beat.  
'Hey! I find that very offensive! My mom's chest hair isn't blonde!' Everyone stared at the dwarf.  
'Um...anyway,' Aragorn said, after an awkward silence. Haldir checked his watch.  
'Look, I don't have all day. I need to be at Hogwarts by five.'  
'Hogwarts?'  
'Yeah, I'm Lucius Malfoy's stunt double,' Haldir explained.  
'Okayyy... can we see Galadriel?'  
'I suppose so,' Haldir sighed. 'Follow me.' He began walking into the forest. Aragorn drove slowly after him.  
The trees of Lothlorien were draped with fairy lights. The effect would have been a lot nicer if the lights hadn't been on the setting where each bulb changes colour about fifteen times a second.  
'MY EYES!' the hobbits screamed, after looking at the trees for too long.

* * *

Eventually they stopped in a little clearing place, where Galadriel and Celeborn were standing.  
'Tell me, where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him,' Celeborn said, before turning and walking away.  
'Where are you going?' Galadriel called after him.  
'Well, that was my only memorable line. I figure I may as well go catch up on last night's _Downton Abbey_.'  
Galadriel raised an eyebrow before turning back to the Fellowship. 'Welcome to Caras Galadron, the heart of Elvendom on earth, no food, no drink, no pets, fire exits are located here, here and here; your rooms are over there, yada yada yada, TTYL!' She, too, wandered off. The Fellowship exchanged glances before going over to their rooms that Galadriel had pointed out. Elvish singing could be heard all around them.  
'A lament for Gandalf,' Legolas said.  
'What do they say about him?' Merry asked.  
'How should I know? Whaddaya think I am, Google bloody Translate?'  
'Well, I bet they don't say anything about his fireworks.' Sam stood up and sang, 'Baby you're a fiiirework, come on let your cooolours burst...'  
Pippin threw an empty tube of Pringles at him.

* * *

Legolas: You mortals watching, do you ever wish you could have hair as gorgeous as mine? *flips hair* well, with Greenleaf Shampoo, you can!  
Director: Wait, you named your product after yourself?  
Legolas: Yes.  
Director: Isn't that a little … unoriginal?  
Legolas: *bursts into tears* YOU'RE STIFLING MY CREATIVITY! *runs off crying*

* * *

**Rorythedragon: duuuude… Although elves are impervious to the cold, I still doubt he'd wanna go shirtless in the snow…**

**Sablestar Braveheart: Yes, yes he is. Silly, silly Gandalf.**

**Bronze Cat: Ha, that would be awesome. I kind of want to set my ringtone to the TARDIS noise, then when it rings in a public place, answer and pretend to be having a conversation with the Doctor…**

**Try giving the Nac Mac Feegle some miruvor in return for your tires. Alternately, take them to middle earth where they can fight all the orcs they want.**

**Gollum girl2003 Coraline: Yesss, the internet is our preciousss… actually, I think it ranks a number 5 on my list of precioussses.  
Hmmm, that's an interesting theory, but – WHERE DID HE GET THE LEMBAS?**

**LegolasGreenleafLove: Yeah I know the feeling. I get many people looking at me like I'm crazy. Especially when I tell them about my plan to take over the world using sociopathic kittens. Mwahaha.**

**DancingChestnut: Hungry? Have some oreos. Not that one, though. That one contains the embodiment of evil itself.**

**Nirette: *maniacal laughter***

**Doctor Legolas: Remember, Pippin should be kept away from skeletons and magic 8 balls. For optimum performance, feed him copious amounts of mushrooms.**

**TheLazyGondorian: DON'T DIE! D: But I'm glad you like this – it was very pun to write…**

**Weisheit Lass: You have a cool penname. And here is Elrond, and Frodo, who's on a sugar high and armed with a razor. Do with them as you will.**

* * *

**And I will leave you with the promise of a dwarf for every reviewer, and the wise words of my Latin teacher: _Semper ubi sub _**_**ubi.**_


	9. What is it with elves and birdbaths?

Meanwhile, Frodo had wandered away, and kept walking until he came across Galadriel, who was standing next to a birdbath.  
'Will you look into the mirror?' she asked him.  
'That's a birdbath.'  
'No, it's a mirror.'  
'I'm pretty sure that's a birdbath.'  
'How dare you question me? If I wanted to, I could just reach out and take that Oreo, and then you'd be sorry! FOR IN THE PLACE OF A DARK LORD YOU WOULD HAVE A QUEEN! NOT DARK BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE DAWN! AS TREACHEROUS AS THE SEA! STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!'  
'Well... that's nice...' said Frodo, backing away.

* * *

After a month in Lothlorien, the Fellowship finally decided to leave. Celeborn gave them all grey hoodies with leaves embroidered on them, and then Galadriel gave them each a gift.  
'For you, Frodo Baggins, this torch. It was made by Eärendil, our most beloved star.'  
'How can a star make a torch?' Frodo asked sceptically. Galadriel frowned.  
'Do you want the torch or not?'  
'Yes...' Galadriel handed it over to him.  
'May it be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out.'  
'Isn't that what torches are for?'  
'Moving on... for you, Boromir, this belt.'  
'Thank you, my lady.'  
Galadriel moved on to Pippin and Merry. 'Here, take these lightsabers. They will probably be of some use to you.' Then it was Sam. 'Here, have this rope.'  
'Thank you, but couldn't I have one of those lightsabers instead?'  
'No. For you, Legolas, this Nerf Gun of the Galadhrim.'  
'Awesome!'  
'Aragorn, there is no greater gift I can give you than the one you already have.'  
'Cheapskate,' Aragorn snorted. Galadriel ignored him, and moved on to Gimli.  
'What gift would a dwarf ask of an elf?'  
Gimli shifted uncomfortably. 'Well...I know I just met you, and this is crazy...' he pressed a piece of paper into Galadriel's hand. 'But here's my number, so call me, maybe?'  
More elves had loaded up the car with supplies.  
'Trail mix!' Legolas said happily, holding up a bag. 'A single handful is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man.'  
'Farewell,' Galadriel said as the Fellowship got in the car. 'May the force be with you!'

* * *

The Fellowship spent the first hour or so of their journey discussing Galadriel's gifts.  
'"May it be a light in dark places" – it's a _torch_, for Eru's sake! It's _supposed_ to be a light!'  
'I must say, this belt is of exquisite craftsmanship.'  
'What was her gift to you?' Legolas asked Gimli.  
'I asked for her phone number,' Gimli replied mistily. 'She gave me hair.'  
'There's something following us!' Frodo said suddenly, looking out of the back of the car.  
'That's just a log, Mister Frodo,' Sam said comfortingly.  
'It had _eyes_!' Frodo insisted.  
'Oh, that'll be Gollum, Aragorn said airily.  
_'What?'_  
'He's been following us for ages now. Didn't you get the memo?'  
'Um, no.'  
'Look, the Argonath!' Aragorn cried, pointing at two passive signs on either side of the road. One read, "Now entering the Anduin motorway". The other read, "Drive safely".  
'Long have I desired to look upon the road signs of old,' Aragorn said happily. 'My kin!'  
'Dude, did you just say you're related to road signs?' Boromir asked. Aragorn ignored him.  
'Let's stop here for the night. We can take the Emyn Muil exit in the morning.' He parked the car, and everyone got out. Sam and Merry started a campfire. Pippin ate Pringles. Frodo wandered off (yet again) and nobody noticed (yet again).  
'Aragorn, we should leave,' Legolas whispered.  
'But we just got here!'  
'Something draws near. I can feel it.' Merry tapped Legolas on the elbow, causing the elf to shriek and hide behind a tree.  
'Frodo's mysteriously disappeared again. Just thought you might want to know,' Merry told Aragorn.  
'What?!' Everyone jumped up and started looking for Frodo.

* * *

Frodo, meanwhile, was happily walking around in the woods. Suddenly Boromir appeared.  
'Hey, Frodo, could I see the Oreo?'  
'Sure.' Frodo took out the Oreo and was about to hand it over, when he stopped. 'Hang on; you're not going to be corrupted by its power and hand it over to Sauron, are you?' he asked suspiciously.  
'Of course not!' Boromir said innocently. Frodo, however, was unconvinced and, shoving the Oreo in his mouth, turned invisible and ran off.  
'Frodo, what the hell?' Boromir shouted. 'You're overreacting a little!'  
Frodo ran back to the campsite, which was empty because everyone was out looking for him. He got into the car and after a few false starts managed to get the engine running and drove off.  
Just then, Sam ran out of the trees and started trying to run alongside the car.  
'Mister Frodo, wait up!'  
'I'm going to Mordor alone, Sam.'  
'Of course you are! And I'm coming with you!'  
'Oh, Sam. That's completely illogical.'  
'But Mister Frodo, I can't swim!'  
Frodo stopped driving to stare at Sam in confusion.  
'What does that have to do with anything?'  
'Nothing,' Sam replied, climbing in through the passenger window. 'But it got you to stop driving.'  
Frodo sighed. 'Fine. You can stay. Now, which way is Mordor Hotel?'  
'No idea, Mister Frodo.'  
'It's a pity that Legolas ate the satnav.'

* * *

Thranduil: *Is drinking wine* For the perfect evening party, you want Dorwinion wine. *drinks more wine* Dorwinion wine is delivered in handy barrels, perfect for transporting in vast quantities to partiesh. Dorwinnian Wine, fit for kingsh! *drinks more wine*  
Director: *whispers from off-screen* You weren't supposed to drink that much… Thranduil: *downs rest of bottle* You're my bessht friend… Hey, whatss this? Director: The camera… the very expensive, hi-tech camera… Thranduil: *drinks more wine* Howzit worrk? *accidentally destroys camera* Director: Dammit, Thranduil! Thranduil: *drinks more wine* That's a baaad word. You shouldnn't say baaad words. *passes out*

* * *

**LARRISSA-HAYLIE IS MI: Yes, homework is to blame for everything. Vile, vile homework. And Kili has been shipped.**

**LegolasGreenleafLove: I'm afraid Kili has already been claimed… will Legolas do as a replacement? *blinks anxiously***

**Gollum girl2003 Coraline: HA! But why would a gift shop be called a salon? It must have been a front for a secret and ominous government agency…in which case the poisoned lembas would make sense. You win this round.**

**StormwalkerofLorien: Yep, although the Director may have traumatised him. *glares at Director*  
Director: What was I supposed to do? Honesty is my policy. That, and senseless killing sprees.  
Legolas: *****sniffs* Nasty director. We told you he was tricksy, we told you he was false…**

**TheLazyGondorian: Aww, thanks! And Kili is just too popular for his own good. I'm afraid you'll have to settle for Fili.**

**Doctor Legolas: Here's Gimli. And that sounds like a fun day-trip.**

**The Sherlocked Phan of Bag End: You can certainly have a mini Merry, but… I wouldn't advise using him as a homework companion. Apparently paper smells like mushrooms…**

**Rorythedragon: Yes, poor Gandalf. Though one could argue that it was his own silly fault for getting too close. And everyone should know that loud noises just make them angrier.**

**DancingChestnut: How do I think of this? Chocolate. Chocolate and insanity. And watching LOTR in a sleep-deprived state.**

**UndercoverHobbit: CAUSE BABY YOU'RE A FIIIIIIREWORK and here is Thorin for you.**

* * *

**Ooh, ooh! Did anyone watch Agents of SHIELD? **


	10. Teh fal off Bromeer

**100 reviews! You guys are awesome!  
Oh, I now have a Photobucket page, where I will be putting art that goes with this story, although my drawing skills are *****ahem* questionable, so… yeah. There's a link to it on my profile page if anyone's interested.**

* * *

While Frodo and Sam had been committing Grand Theft Auto, a horde of unrealistically beautiful girls were running through the forest. Some were human, some hobbits, and some were elves. Almost all of them were wearing long floaty dresses that were completely impractical for running through a forest, but still managed to keep up a pretty good speed.  
The Mary-Sues arrived in the clearing where Boromir was, and immediately rushed at him, though he valiantly tried to fight them off. A large proportion of the hobbit-Sues – and some of the human ones – ran at Merry and Pippin, who were nearby, and carried them off.  
While Boromir had killed most of the 'Sues, there was one standing at the edge of the clearing who was busily loading a Nerf Gun.  
'U hurt mai Frodo!' she shouted over the noise of the battle. 'U must die nao!'

* * *

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli had also been beset by Mary-Sues, and by the time they fought their way over to Boromir, he had already been killed.  
'Oh well,' Aragorn said. 'C'mon, let's go chase after some hobbits.'  
'How do you know the hobbits have gone?' Gimli asked.  
'My spidey senses told me.'  
'Okayyy...'  
They walked back to the campsite, only to discover that the car was gone.  
'Hey! They took my car, the little sods!' Gimli said indignantly.  
'I thought you said it was your dad's car,' Legolas reminded him. Aragorn looked dramatic.  
'Frodo's fate is no longer in our hands. But we will not abandon Pippin and Merry to torment and death.'  
'How do you know they're being tormented and killed?'  
'Because unlike _some_ people, _I_ read the script.' He clasped Legolas and Gimli's arms.  
'Hey! You stole Boromir's gauntlets!' Legolas said.  
'No, I'm wearing them as a mark of respect.'  
'Are you sure it's not just 'cause they're nicer than yours?'  
Aragorn sighed. 'My _point_ was, Let's hunt some 'Sue!'  
'You know, it's usually the other way round...'  
Aragorn growled in exasperation and ran off into the forest. Legolas and Gimli followed more half-heartedly.

* * *

Frodo drove haphazardly through the wilderness.  
'Watch out for that tree, Mister Frodo!' Sam called.  
'What tree?' _crash._ 'Oh. _That_ tree.'  
'Would you like me to drive for a bit, Mister Frodo?'  
'No! It's my car! Mine! My own!'  
'Actually, Mister Frodo, it's Gloin's car.'  
'Just look in the glove compartment for a map, will you?'  
'Certainly, Mister Frodo.'

* * *

*Lindir walks in*  
Director: Yes? What are you advertising?  
Lindir: I'm here to promote my new album! *pulls out banjo and begins playing and singing, horribly out of tune*  
Director: Oh sweet Eru, I'm out of aspirin. *takes banjo and tries to hit Lindir over the head*  
Lindir: *smugly* you can't hit me.  
Director: Give me one good reason why…  
Lindir: *smugly* I'm an elf. I'm a minority. If you touch me, I'll sue for racism.  
Director: …I hate elves.  
Lindir: RACISM!

* * *

**Sablestar Braveheart: Yep, Frodo is this voice of sanity in this story. Except for when he's completely insane.**

**Gollum girl2003 Coraline: Um, sure, you can have the Beldam if you really want it. Hmm, that would explain his ranger-ness. **

**DancingChestnut: Thank you! And yes, I think I gave Sam all the best lines.**

**Rorythedragon: Yes, you can have Legolas.  
Legolas: nasty directorses. We hates it! We hates it!  
Yeah, he still hasn't really gotten over having his commercial rejected.**

**LARRISSA-HAYLIE IS MI: Yes, vile homeworkses. You can have pre-Balrog Glorfindel, who come with absolutely no personality problems or irrational phobias.  
Glorfindel: *is rocking back and forth* Prettiful stars, so shiny bright…  
Nope, completely sane and normal, oh yes. As to why Legolas ate the satnav, it was mostly because I needed a reason for them not to have a satnav and I felt that Legolas hadn't done enough stupid things. Also, he's in the front seat, so he'd be able to eat it more easily.**

**TheLazyGondorian: Probably because Aragorn is crazy. And yesss, Agents of SHIELD was awesome!12345!**

**Nirrette: Yes, Pringles are good. I want Pringles now. AGENTS OF SHIIIIIEEEEEELD! *spoilers* COULSON'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! *end spoilers***

**UndercoverHobbit: Aaawww, thank you! And congratulations, 100****th**** reviewer! You win… *****drumroll* a silmaril made of solid chocolate! And a Fëanor, not made of solid chocolate but annoyed at what I did to his silmaril.**

* * *

**Reviewers for this chapter will get a mystery prize. Disclaimer: Authoress-is-not-responsilbe-for-damage-caused-to- people-property-or-trees-by-mystery-girfts. Mystery-gitfts-may-or-may-not-be-poisonous-and-or- aggressive.**


	11. Oppa Rohan Style

**Aaand on to book 2!  
How many of you have seen the new DESOLATION OF SMAUG TRAILEEEEEEEER?**

* * *

The Two Motorbikes

'This all looks so familiar, somehow,' Sam said, taking the barren landscape.  
'That's because we've been here before,' Frodo cried in despair. 'See that tree we crashed into? And that boulder we crashed into? And there are the skid marks from where-'  
'Are you _sure_ you don't want me to drive for a bit, Mister Frodo?'  
'Yes! Are you sure there wasn't a map in the glove compartment?'  
'Nothin' in there but a rat sandwich and some trail mix.' Sam took a thoughtful bite out of the sandwich. 'You know, this stuff ain't bad.'  
'Are you always so happy, Sam?'  
'Yep.' Suddenly Sam's face fell. 'My iPad's out of power! NOOO!' he burst into tears.  
There was a thump to the roof of the car, causing both hobbits to jump in surprise.  
'What was that?' Sam asked nervously. Angry muttering could be heard outside.  
'The thieves! The thieves! The filthy little thieves! Where is it? Where is it? They stole it from us _*gollum! gollum!*_ My preciousss… curse them, we hates them!' An upside-down face appeared by the driver's window, and a moment later Gollum slipped inside the car and started trying to strangle Frodo.  
Sam finished the rat sandwich before attempting to pull Gollum off Frodo. This did not work out, however, and ended up with Gollum trying to strangle Sam.  
Frodo rummaged around in the back seats for a few minutes before pulling out his lightsaber, turning it on and holding at Gollum's neck.  
'This is Sting. You've met it before, haven't you, _Gollum_?' Gollum nodded slowly. 'Let him go, or I'll cut your throat!' Gollum slowly released Sam. 'Now, what are we going to do with you?'

* * *

'It burns us! It burns us and freezes us! Nasty dwarves twisted it!' Gollum wailed, writhing and trying to take off is seatbelt. 'Take it off us!'  
'He's givin' me a headache,' Sam complained. 'Can't we just put him in the boot and let him suffocate?'  
'No! That would kill us! Kill usss!'  
'Wait.' Frodo turned round to look at Gollum. 'You know the way to Mordor Hotel?'  
'Yes!'  
'You've been there before?'  
'Yes...'  
'Mister Frodo, careful of that rock!' _thump.  
_'Can you drive us there?'  
'Mister Frodo, watch out for that bush!' _crash._  
'Yesss! We knows how to drive, precious!'  
'Alright then.' Frodo stopped the car so Gollum could get into the driver's seat, while he and Sam sat in the back.  
'Fasten your seatbeltses!' Gollum said, before driving off.  
Unbelievably, he was actually a worse driver than Frodo had been.

* * *

_Let us travel now to Rohan, where Merry and Pippin are..._

* * *

'Ew, what's that smell?' One of the Mary-Sues said, wrinkling her perfect nose.  
'It's that sweaty ranger,' another replied.  
'Hey, don't insult Aragorn!' A fangirl shrieked.  
'Aragorn!' Pippin muttered. A minor scuffle broke out between the fangirls and 'Sues, and Pippin took advantage of the distraction to rip off one of the fabric leaves sewn onto his hoodie, and let it flutter to the ground.

* * *

_And now, let us go to the Three Hunters: Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas, the most perfect, gorgeous- ahem. Anyway, back to the Three Hunters._

* * *

'What's he doing?' Gimli asked.  
'Shhh!' Legolas reprimanded. 'Aragorn's sleeping!'  
'I wasn't sleeping,' Aragorn said defensively, standing up. 'I was listening for the 'Sues.'  
'And?'  
'They're moving faster. They must have caught our scent.' He took off running again.  
'Come on Gimli!' Legolas called.  
'Wait a sec, I'm just checking Facebook.'  
'You have signal here?'  
'Uh-huh.'  
'Awesome!' Legolas sat down and pulled out his phone. Aragorn facepalmed.  
'Do you want to catch the hobbits or not?'  
_'Fine.'_ Legolas and Gimli stood up, and the three set off again. It wasn't long before Aragorn stopped to pick up a fabric leaf.  
'Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall,' he murmured.  
'Can we stop now?' Gimli asked.  
'No.' Aragorn drew himself up to his full height. 'I would run five hundred miles – and I would run five hundred more...' music swelled in the background, 'Just to be the man who ran a thousand miles to save them from the orcs-' Legolas slapped him in the face.  
'Focus, Aragorn. They may yet be alive.'

_*more running*_

'Legolas, what do your elf eyes see?'  
Legolas squinted before replying, 'The 'Sues turn northeast. They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!'  
'What did you say?' Aragorn asked in a strange hissing voice.  
'I said, They're taking the hobbits to Isengard, Valar, Aragorn, you're _so stupid!_'  
'Isengard... that means Sourman.'

* * *

_Orthanc, the Dark Tower…_

* * *

'The world is changing. Who now can stand against the awesomeness of Isengard and Hotel Mordor? To stand against the epicness of Sauron?' Sourman regarded his army of Mary-Sues, who were expertly applying make-up, rehearsing their intricate and angst-filled backstories and otherwise getting ready for battle.  
'We will win this war with the pink and the glitter… and the fluorescent-coloured hair of the Sue. All we need is to take out the opposition.'

* * *

_Meduseld…_

* * *

'Your son is badly wounded, my lord,' Éowyn said softly. Théoden showed no reaction.  
'He was ambushed by fangirls,' Éomer added. 'If we don't defend our lands, Sourman will take them by force.' Théoden showed no reaction.  
A dark figure peered around the edge of Théoden's chair. 'That is a lie. Sourman has ever been our friend and loyal customer.'  
'Fangirls are roaming freely across our lands. Unchecked. Unchallenged. Stampeding at will. Fangirls bearing the pink loveheart of Sourman.' Éomer brandished a white t-shirt with a bright pink heart printed on it.  
'Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind? Can you not see that your uncle is wearied by your…warmongering?' The dark figure asked. He held up a pink piece of paper. 'You're fired, Éomer son of Éomund, and banished forthwith from the Marshmallow Market of Meduseld.' Shop assistants appeared and started to drag Éomer away.  
'You have no authority here!' Éomer shouted, grabbing a box of marshmallows from a nearby shelf and hitting the shop assistants with it. 'Your orders mean _nothing_!'  
The dark figure smirked triumphantly. 'Ah, but this order does not come from me. It comes from the king. He signed it this morning.'

* * *

The Sue-pack stopped to rest, and Merry and Pippin were dumped on the ground.  
'They're so cute!' a fangirl squealed, looking at the hobbits. 'I could just eat them!'  
'They are not for eating,' a Sue said sternly.  
'I'm hungry,' a fangirl complained.  
'Hey, what's that?' another asked, pointing at something on the horizon.  
'It's a group of Rohirrim...led by Éomer,' an elf-Sue replied.  
'Eomer! My dear long-lost brother!' A Sue exclaimed.  
'He's not your long-lost brother! He's _my_ long-lost brother!' another Sue said angrily.  
'He's my boyfriend!'  
'Well, he's my _husband_!'  
'He's my father!' A fight broke out between several of the Sues. Merry and Pippin tried to crawl away, only to be stopped by a Mary-Sue.  
'Oh, no you don't,' she said in a breathy voice.  
Suddenly a lance stabbed through the Sue's body. The Sue shrieked and crumbled into a pile of ash.  
'Hey, look, a conveniently placed blade!' Merry said. The two hobbits cut their bonds on the conveniently placed blade and then ran into a nearby shadowy building.

* * *

_Somewhere on the plains of Rohan..._

* * *

Éomer and the Rohirrim were all dancing to Gangnam Style (only because they were the Rohirrim, it was Rohan Style) when three figures ran across their line of vision. At Éomer's signal, the Rohirrim switched off the music, got on their motorbikes and drove out onto the plain.  
'Bikers of Rohan, what news from the Mark?' Aragorn shouted. The Rohirrim wheeled round until they surrounded the Three Hunters.  
'What business does an elf, a man and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?' Éomer asked.  
'We're bringing sexy back!' Legolas proclaimed. There was an awkward silence.  
'Sweet Eru, not this again,' Gimli muttered.  
'We track a group of Mary-Sues across the plain,' Aragorn explained.  
'The Sues are destroyed. We slaughtered them last night,' Éomer replied.  
'Did you see two hobbits with them?' Gimli asked anxiously. Éomer frowned.  
'What the hell is a hobbit?'  
'They would be small; only children to your eyes,' Aragorn said. Éomer shook his head.  
'We left none alive. I am sorry.' He turned and whistled. 'Suzuki! Vespa!' Two riderless motorbikes trundled forward. 'May these bikes bear you to better fortune than their former masters.' The Rohirrim drove off.  
Aragorn and Legolas climbed onto the motorbikes, Gimli got into the sidecar of the Vespa, and they drove off to the pile of ash that was all that remained of the Mary-Sues.

* * *

Merry: If you're small, like me, it can be a challenge defending yourself. That's why I use…ummm…  
Director: *whispers from off-screen* Noldorin Nives!  
Merry: Right! Yes. That's why I use Noldorin Knives!  
Director: *whispering from off-screen* Nives, not Knives!  
Merry: But… they both sound the same….  
Director: Cut!  
_Take Two  
_Merry: If you're small, like me, it can be a challenge defending yourself. That's why I use Noldorin Nives, the only blade that's small enough for a hobbit to handle, yet sharp enough to cut through Mithril! And Noldorin Nives can be used for everyday things, too. The razor-sharp, Mithril-cutting blade can be used for things as simple as cutting through cheese! Observe! *Takes out block of cheese and attempts to cut it with Noldorin Nife. The blade of the knife falls off. *  
Merry: …  
Director: THE HELL.  
Merry: ….sooo, is that a wrap?  
Director: I'LL SHOW YOU A WRAP! *picks up broken knife and tries to stab Merry with it. This fails, for obvious reasons*  
Merry: Um, well, I'd better be going… see ya! *walks calmly out of studio*

* * *

**Gollum girl2003 Coraline: No! They wants our eyeses, precious, but we mustn't let them have it. We'll stab out her eyeses, yesss! *no! no! Beldam is our friendses!* haha, I sold my sanity for chocolate many years ago. Much more fun. And your mystery prize is... eggses! Crème eggses!**

**LARRISSA-HAYLIE IS MI: Yessss, the elfses are all shampoo addictses! Curse them, preciousss! The mystery giftses is prettiful butterflieses!**

**Manwathiel16: Yeah, somehow Sam managed to get most of the best lines. Tricksy hobbitses. You may have Legolas, and Elladan's pet cat, Khoshekh. He's not just any cat – he floats, and has a terrifying meow.**

**Doctor Legolas: Yep, Thranduil is banned from the advertising studio forever, although actually he's currently still there, working off his hangover. The Director is not happy about this. And your mystery gift is… a small box of gold glitter – no, wait. The glitter has risen out of the box and formed the shape of a dalek. Now it's chanting, "beware the lightbulbs". I'm not entirely sure what this means, but here. Have some glitter.**

**Nirette: Thank you! And here is a venomous woodpecker. His name is Mal.**

**Rajah Arjun XVII: Anything, you say? Challenge accepted. Expect the One Ring to arrive shortly…along with its bodyguard of Chitauri. *cackles evilly***

**The Sherlocked Phan of Bag End: A couple years ago there was a boy in maths class whose dog actually did eat his homework. He brought in a chewed scrap of jotter as proof. And your mystery gift is one tonne of mushrooms, to sate Merry's insatiable hunger.**

**LegolasGreenleafLove: Your mystery gift is a strange brooch of unknown origin, possibly made of mithril. **

**TheLazyGondorian: Yeah, Frodo's a terrible driver. Probably it would help if he could actually see above the dashboard. And your mystery gift is a small and adorable puppy, with unsettlingly blue eyes.**

**Heatblizzard: Oh, dear. Perhaps I should have made it clearer that this is a **_**parody**_**, not an AU. I would suggest that next time you read the summary of a story more carefully before reading the story itself. And your mystery gift is a bag of marshmallows.**

**Sablestar Braveheart: Yesss, nasssty Suesss. ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY NERF GUNS. ALLL HAILLLL. And your mystery gift is the light of the Tesseract, our most beloved star/glowing blue box.**

**Insane is normal: yep, this is sooner than my last update… XD**

* * *

**After blackmailing - I mean, bargaining with - Elrond, I got him to let me start using elves as review rewards again.**


	12. Fangorn Fashion Industry

**Note on Gollum/Sméagol's speech: when Gollum and Sméagol are talking to each other, Gollum talks in italic font and Sméagol talks in normal font. When it's just one of them speaking (e.g. to Frodo) then they'll talk in normal font, even if it's Gollum talking.  
**…  
**That probably didn't make sense. Ah well.**

* * *

The Three Hunters regarded the area solemnly. Legolas muttered something in Elvish. While he and Gimli stood around looking sad, Aragorn scanned the ground for tracks.  
'A hobbit lay here,' he said eventually, pointing at a patch of ground that looked no different to the surrounding area. '...And the other. They crawled. Their hands were bound.' He took a step forward and picked up a piece of frayed rope. 'Their bonds were cut. They ran over here... they were followed...' he walked forward and stopped outside the shadowy building, 'The tracks lead away from the battle...into Fangorn.'  
'Fangorn!' Gimli said. 'What madness drove them there?'

* * *

_Let's find out, shall we?_

* * *

Merry and Pippin ran into the shadowy building and slammed the door behind them with a loud clang. They were faced with a long corridor that was half-filled with cardboard boxes. Several mannequins had been propped up against the walls. Oddly enough, most of them had been positioned so that their hands were covering their faces.  
The two hobbits walked for quite a while through the maze of boxes before they saw another person: an extremely tall man with a clipboard.  
'What have we here?' he asked, looking suspiciously at the hobbits. 'Spies from Prada, eh?'  
'We're not spies!' Merry protested. 'We're innocent hobbits!'  
The man frowned. 'Hobbits? Never heard of a hobbit before.'  
'Halflings...Shirefolk!'  
'That sounds like spy trickery to me,' the man said. He grabbed each hobbit by the arm and started dragging them down the corridor. 'All the other labels are always trying to get an advance look at Fangorn's latest collections.'  
'We're not spies! We're _hobbits!_'  
'Maybe you are, and maybe you aren't.' The man pushed open a door, revealing a large hall with a catwalk running down it. At the far end of the catwalk a pink glow could be seen. 'The Pink Wizard will decide.'  
'The Pink Wizard?' Pippin asked in an undertone.  
'Sourman,' Merry muttered.

* * *

The wheels of the car made a worrying squelching noise.  
'Here! He's driven off the motorway!' Sam complained.  
'Yes, precious, it's a secret path. Fangirls don't use it. Fangirls don't know it,' Gollum explained. The two hobbits noticed that he had somehow acquired a chauffeur's hat. 'There's been no sight or sound of a bird for two days,' Sam complained.  
'No, no birdses to eat,' Gollum agreed regretfully. 'No crunchable birdses. We are famished! Yes! Famished we are, precious!'  
'Here.' Frodo gave a handful of trail mix to Gollum, who took a bite and immediately spat it out. 'It tries to choke us! We can't eats this! It has chocolateses in it, and we are allergic, my precious! We must starve!' They drove on, Gollum still complaining about how hungry he was, precious, yes, famished he was.  
'There are dead things! Dead faces under the tarmac!' Sam exclaimed.  
'All dead. All rotten. Men and elves and fangirlses,' Gollum said. 'There was a great pile-up here long ago.' He made a sharp turn to the left.  
'The sign said to turn right,' Frodo objected.  
'Don't follow the signs! The signs are tricksy, made by the dead. Don't follow the signs, or hobbits go down to join the dead ones and make erroneous road signs of their own.'  
They drove on into the night. Gollum discovered the radio and had great fun playing with the buttons. Sam eventually fell asleep, but Frodo stayed awake.  
'Who are you?' He asked Gollum.  
'Musn't ask us. Not its business. _*gollum! gollum!*'  
_'Gandalf told me you were one of the river-folk.'  
'Cold be heart and hand and bone, and cold be travellers far from home,' Gollum sang along with the radio.  
'Gandalf told me you were not so different from a hobbit once. He said your tale was a sad story... Sméagol.'  
'they do not see what lies ahead, when sun is gone and moon is dead.'  
'That was your name once, wasn't it?' Frodo pressed. 'Sméagol.'  
'My name?' Sméagol whispered. 'M-my name...'  
'You've been listening to Barry and the Barrowights!' the radio presenter said jovially. 'Next up on-' he was drowned out by an earsplitting shriek from the sky.  
'Wraiths!' Gollum wailed. 'Jaffawraiths on wings!' Frodo looked out the window and saw a dark shape on a hanglider go past.  
'They are searching for the Precious, and the Precious is calling to them,' Gollum said, covering his ears. The car crashed into yet another tree.  
'It was cherry flavoured!' Sam shouted, jolting awake. The other two occupants of the car stared at him.  
'What does he mean, precious?' Gollum said eventually. 'We doesn't know, precious, no we doesn't _*gollum! gollum!* Maybe it's mad, precious? _Yes! Yes! It's the eyeses, precious, we can always tell _*gollum!* Then we stabs them out, my precious, my love. _Yes-no! No! We isn't supposed to say that till later! Tricksy writerses, confusing poor Sméagol *_gollum! gollum!*_  
Frodo coughed awkwardly. Sméagol glanced round. 'Come on hobbits! We must go!'  
'You're the one driving,' Sam pointed out.  
'We knows, precious, we knows.' They drove off erratically once more.

* * *

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli entered Fangorn cautiously and picked their way through the box-filled corridor.  
'The air feels so close in here,' Gimli remarked.  
'This building is old...very old. Full of memory…and shoes,' Legolas said 'The mannequins are speaking to each other!' He pointed at two mannequins, who were positioned as though deep in conversation. Gimli frowned.  
'I'm sure they weren't like that a minute ago...'  
'Maybe they can move incredibly fast, but only when we're not looking at them,' Aragorn suggested.  
'A blink-and-you-miss-it kind of thing?' Legolas asked. Aragorn nodded.  
The three entered the hall with the catwalk in it. The pink glow was now about halfway down the catwalk.  
'What's that light?' Aragorn asked.  
'The Pink Wizard approaches,' Legolas replied. They drew their weapons and waited for the pink glow to come within firing range.  
'You are tracking two hobbits,' the glow said. 'They passed through here the day before yesterday, and met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?'  
'Not really,' Aragorn said. 'Who are you?' The glow disappeared and was replaced by a bright spotlight, which revealed Gandalf, dressed in neon pink. His hair and beard were also bright pink.  
'Gandalf...' Gimli breathed.  
''Sup,' the wizard said, smiling.  
Aragorn frowned. 'How come you're pink?'  
'Sweet Eru, Aragorn!' Legolas yelped. 'You can't just ask someone why they're pink!'  
'But you _died,_' Aragorn said accusingly. 'We all _saw_ you.'  
'Yes,' Gandalf said. 'But I woke up in a strange building – a great stone castle. But it was no hall of kings; it was a hall of learning! Children boarded there and were taught the deepest secrets of magic. And I, I was hailed as their leader!  
'I do not know how long I stayed there; each second seemed to last an Age. But eventually I convinced one of the other teachers to kill me, and I returned here, until my task is done.'  
'Gandalf!' Aragorn said, finally convinced.  
'Gandalf. Yes, that is what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey. That was my name. But I am Gandalf the Pink, and I come back to you now, in time for the new spring collection.' He twirled round, showing off his new robes.

* * *

**Aragorn and Legolas: the Mean Girls of middle earth.**

* * *

Faramir: Is your father an insane pyromaniac? Is he constantly trying to set you on fire? Then use heat-protector-spray! It will protect you from heat! *takes out can and sprays it on himself* OW! OW! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!  
Director: Cut!  
Cameraman Who Is Actually Pippin: Cut what?  
Director: AAGGH! *hits camera repeatedly until it stops working*  
Faramir: MY SKIN IS BURNING OFF!  
Director: I need a holiday.

* * *

**LARRISSA-HAYLIE IS MI: Well, it must take **_**some**_** effort to be a Mary-Sue…  
Mariel-Suvien: OMG, like, totally! It's not E-Z looking this perfect and byootiful in case I see Leggy-chan who is just sooo awesome and-  
RO: Right, enough of that. *drags Mary-Sue back to solitary confinement* I am also counting down the days till DoS. And counting down the days till the Doctor Who 50****th**** anniversary special. And Thor: the dark world…**

**Rorythedragon: Yep, I'm sure the Tegolas fics will appear soon. I have to say, I have mixed feelings about Tauriel. I mean, it's good that they're putting in a female character, but SHE WASN'T IN THE BOOKS AND THE BOOKS ARE SACRED. Ahem. Forgive my ranting :)**

**Gollum girl2003 Coraline: Gard g-g-g-gard! I confess I have only read the graphic novel version of Coraline, but 'twas very good. And here is Lindir. If you're very lucky, he won't try to sing for you.**

**TheLazyGondorian: Yes, that could be a problem, but Sam seems like a relatively sensible hobbit, so hopefully he'll be able to stop them from crashing. Ah yes, the mystery puppy. I should warn you; don't let him eat highlighters. Just don't. The consequences would be too horrible to imagine.**

**LegolasGreenleafLove: Yes, you can have Legolas. Don't be alarmed if he tries to eat any of you technology.**

**Guest: Yes, the Mary-Sues must die. And don't worry about Feanor, just give him a torch to play with and he'll be happy for hours.**

**Doctor Legolas: Well, it's all fanfiction anyway, I can't really claim to own anything… and you can have Tauriel. I tried to convince Galadriel to go, but she terrorized the postman too much.**

**Guest: Yesss, the trailer was awesome!**

**StormwalkerofLorien: Yes, Legolas is losing it. I think the poor lamb was scarred for life by his advertising fiasco.  
Narrator: Yeah, the Director is just plain **_**mean.  
**_**Director: Hey, sunshine, I tell it like I see it.  
RO: oh shut up, both of you.**

**DancingChestnut: Hello again! And thank you!**


End file.
